What Am I Doing?

Photo by Jens Lelie on Unsplash

One of the hardest parts about being a freelancer is constantly asking yourself that question.

What am I doing?

What the fuck am I doing?

When the only real barometer of success is a bank account, client referrals, and a body of work that you feel like doesn't really reflect you, it's really hard to see what life is moving forward.

It's hard to see progress especially when you want to get better but you have no one to teach you. So you stumble through YouTube tutorials and blog posts, hoping to find something that'll get you to that next level.

This is something I've been talking a lot with my therapist about. I know, I'm 26, I have so many years ahead of me but the pressure is on. I want to be ahead of where I am, I want to have more of the skills that I think I should have at this point in my life, I want to be better than I am but god, with no one senior to me to show me the way, I have to find it myself.

And not gonna lie, it kind of sucks. You spend so much time doubting, wondering, if you're wasting time and effort on something that doesn't matter or something that won't help you improve somehow without knowing how exactly it is that you want to improve. Without knowing what exactly it is that you should be improving.

And even through all of that, I would never trade what I do for anything else in the world. I love design. I love communicating, I love working with people and making magic with a software that they see as clunky, and old, and frankly, bad.

I love seeing things come to life for people, I love making them feel things and see executions of their content that they didn't think was possible.

It's lonely out here. It's hard to know what the next step forward is. I don't know that I'll ever know what it's supposed to be.

But I'll keep going and maybe someday find that elusive something that I'm supposed to know and learn.